I long to be your friend but how can I?
I long to be your friend but how can I, if I am not friendly.
I wish to make you happy but how could I, if I am so sad myself.
I want you to stay good but how could you, when I do you so much wrong.
I try to reassure you while I’m feeling so unsure.
I try to offer guidance when I’m a castaway.
I wish to soothe your pain but I have no remedy for my own ache.
I hope that you’ll forgive me because I cannot forgive myself.
I hope you’ll comprehend: I’m utterly depressed, constantly rude, tactlessly selfish, but still…
A Familiar Face
One of the things about studying at a language department is that you often run into people you haven’t seen in a while: as it turns out it’s not always a pleasant surprise. This was one of those days.
As I turned to the right after going up the stairs, I intended to take a casual look around, but I was cut off halfway, I caught a glimpse of the strangely familiar face, and before I could recognize the long memorized features, my body betrayed my mind. I stiffened, every muscle in my body tensed, and then absolutely involuntarily I took a step backwards. I looked up again warily, I saw her now, and I felt relieved when I recognized her and I understood my first reaction. Relief that lasted for about a fraction of a second because the anger, the rage, the fury that I felt for the next minute was indescribable. It all just came back to me: the blasphemy, the banter, and the ridicule, the almost daily threats of violence, the one time she got to me…
I stared at her face now, blatantly. She noticed. She looked at me curiously and smiled tentatively. Well I was certainly not expecting that! She waited expectantly now. Was she crazy? Had she honestly forgotten? “Maybe bullies only have a short term memory” I thought to myself, “or they have no conscience.” I took three steps forward, (involuntarily again), my heart was exhilarated; pumping with sanguine anticipation, in the tip of my mouth I could savor the sweet taste of vengeance. My fists clenched, but not out of fear anymore but out of power and control, they searched for retribution. And then I woke up from my daydream.
What was I going to do! I had to quarry with myself for the next few seconds. “It was a long time ago” I said to myself, ”You’ve both grown up now, it’s different” “ You cannot take revenge, What could you possibly do? … I stood there thinking… “She’s probably a nice person now” –Ppfh!- I laughed sardonically and strode away. – Not worth it. – I mumbled just like in the old times, but this time I truly meant it.
Lying under a dark, warm, safe place I found them. Almost like magic, one morning they suddenly were there. These little things were hidden away by a protective belly, purring and snoring, sleeping and stretching, and caring for nothing. And certainly doing a lot of eating!
But they cannot see me or their hysterical mother as I approach; their tiny eyelids are still shut.
They are loved and embraced, looked upon with great curiosity and wonder by the foreigner human, or else…
Memories in boxes
……stocked up in dark corners,
…………long forgotten full of dust.
In between spider webs
……secrets are kept hidden
…………under the shadow of their threads.
Insignificant precious junk
……filling up the house,
…………cluttering the walls,
………………eating up our space.
How we long for them to stay
……..C linging on to that last bit of evidence from the past.